Friday, October 5, 2012

Top Five Ways to Annoy a Pregnant Woman

Since I've spilled the beans on our baby news, I've been on the receiving end of more than a little bit of parenting advice. Some of it has been great and supportive, but a surprising amount falls into a much more unhelpful category.

So, as a public service for my fellow sisters-in-arms, I've put together a brief reference of comments that are usually not well received by ladies that are in the family way:

1. That's great that you enjoy your spouse's company, but he/she is going to change dramatically, so enjoy his/her company before you're overwhelmed by the urge to stab him/her in the eye with the nearest available toddler spork.

2. Labor is incredibly painful, you may think you know what you're in for, but really you have nooooo idea how much it's going to hurt. Here, you have to watch this youtube video of a woman in labor screaming bloody murder, I've already queued it up on my iPhone for you!

3. Are you sure you want to register for that particular baby item? It's not what we chose for our child, so allow me to present you with a brief dissertation on all the ways in which the one we chose is better.

4. Kids are really expensive, have you thought about that? Are you sure you will be able to manage the financial responsiblity of a new child?

5. Have you heard about the study that came out recently stating that it might be okay to drink a glass of wine while pregnant? You can totally have wine now! Here, I'll pour you a glass of merlot and bring you a plate of coldcuts.

The truth is that most pregnant women spend a ridiculous amount of time obsessively researching every little detail of pregnancy and childbirth. We're painfully aware of the cost involved, and totally freaked out about all the unknowable changes that are coming our way.

We're all really nervous about making the right choices for our families, so we just want a little reassurance that we're not screwing it up royally.  Sure, we're happy to learn from your experience, but we know that what worked for you might not always be the best choice for our families. In short, please don't make a federal case out of it if we decide not to take your advice!

And p.s. please check your scare tactics at the door. We really don't want to hear about your friend's cousin's neighbor who was in labor for an entire week, and ended up wearing adult diapers for the rest of her life. Likewise, your story about the friend that got a divorce as a result of the stress of raising children, is so not helpful.

Thank you for listening to this pregnant lady PSA, you may now carry on with your regularly scheduled activities.

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